Sometimes I really hate being self-employed
There, I said it. So what makes me stay?
I had one of those ‘moments’ recently where freelancing felt futile. It all felt too much like hard work. The ‘being everything’, from my own cheerleader to the social media person to writing new material, planning content, finding clients, working out rates…
Waiting for news on a potential new contract, feeling in limbo as if waiting for a What’s App from someone I had a really good first date with, combined with the looming mortgage payment deadline, a £700 dentist bill (it’s not all at once, but the total for some ongoing work) and trying to find a car for the money I got when mine was written off, I had that ‘Why AM I freelance?’ feeling.
I was going to write about confidence this month, but the feeling hit me hard, driving back from the dentist. I was thinking about how, in a ‘real job’, I’d have probably stopped for coffee on the way back, knowing they thought I was at the dentist, and that I was being paid. That’s one of those key benefits of a paid staff role, right? Bunking off a bit.
I was angry that instead, I was rushing home to check on emails and catch up on what I’d missed so far that day. So I decided to make it this month’s newsletter.
I’m Jenny, and sometimes, just sometimes, I really effing hate being freelance.
Wow, that feels very powerful to write down! But also scary. What if you read that and think SHE’S A FRAUD!
I’m hoping, of course, you’ll think the opposite. It would be crazy and untrue to say I love freelancing all the time. Anyone who is freelance and tells you they do is a very unique person, in my book. That, or a fibber.
I’ve been feeling lots of feels this month - including one I wrote for a site called The Flock, about how I don’t always feel shiny/empowered/empowering as a woman in business.
So how to move on from this? We can have the hating freelancing feeling and then sit with it a little, but, well, we need to make peace with it, right? Otherwise it’s back to scrolling the jobs websites! (I spend far too much of my time doing this, not sure why!).
One of the answers I came up with when I pondered on the ARGH moment was ‘Is it being self-employed that I really hate?’. If you break it down, it might be the situation you’re in (not getting up and doing some emails before the dentist, so the emails were still pending). It might be about the permissions you give yourself, that is to say, are you saying you can’t stop for coffee? Because nobody else was! And I could have checked my emails on my phone with the coffee.
It’s also possible I was in a slightly off mood as the receptionists had been quite ‘firm’ with me after I was 5 mins late. Perhaps it was the thought of paying £700, which quickly became ‘I don’t have £700!’ into ‘I EARN NOTHING I’M USELESS’ in a few seconds flat.
That’s the thing - it’s not freelancing we hate, it’s a sub category of it. Like juggling varied income streams. Or time management. Loneliness, or not having a home office of our own.
If you had a brilliant, well-paying full time role for me, on a plate right now, sure I’d be tempted. But only for a nano second. Because I’d rather have the odd ‘moment’ on the way home from the dentist than always feel like I’m cheating my boss (mwhahahaha) on the way home from the dentist.
I was also (and I’m not looking for sympathy here), thrown that after much work and being brave about putting it ‘out there’, I had no sign ups for the Self-employed Spring Clean. I repeat, not saying it for sympathy! BUT - there are lessons to be learned. Right now, people are worried, people are scared about the world. I know that many who are self-employed are worrying far more about food, heating and fuel bills than they are about coaching and sprucing up their business goals.
I say this because my conclusion is this: I stay freelance because I care. Because I would rather be worried, annoyed or upset about freelancing than with a job I couldn’t dare to leave. I would rather worry about the bills than worry about my legacy. And, most of all, I love helping freelancers by sharing my ups and downs. I need to be freelance in order to work with freelancers!
And, as the sun shines outside while I finish this newsletter, back from a coffee with some local business owners (and seeing Adam from Countryfile in the coffee shop!), I realise, as we always do in the end, that tomorrow is another day.
Read, listen, subscribe…
Read: The Pyjama Myth is a new book from Sian Meades-Williams, all about life as a freelance writer. Great read, and she does a fab newsletter for journalism/writing jobs, too.
Listen: Rebecca Seal’s SOLO collective podcast is back, and already has a great episode with Clare Seal of My Frugal Year.
Subscribe: Substack is now an app! So you can subscribe to a LOT of newsletters and read on the go. I am loving it. My new favourite is My Goodness! by Jo Elvin - I love her tales of magazine life, which I relate to, and feel like I’m getting an insider’s view on editing life I’d never have got while on mags! Lots of honesty, which I’m here for.
CV workshops in April
I’m running three CV workshops for freelancers this month!
April 8, 21st and 27th - all on Eventbrite, and £20 a ticket.