"It's not them it's you"
Accepting when we might be the ones causing our career unhappiness...
I’ve blamed everyone and everything for my work unhappiness over the years.
Managers, companies, colleagues, other department team members… clients, editors… you name it.
It’s always them, right?
But as I’ve got older (and hopefully wiser) I have had a big realisation, and it’s one you may have to learn to accept, too.
Sometimes, it’s not them - sometimes, it’s you.
I’m 46 and this has only just truly sat with me. I’m surprised in many ways, and not in others.
You see, I know I am stubborn. Remember my fabulous Dad I wrote about? Well, I’m quite like him and he was stubborn, too, and that meant that often we both think/thought we were right even when we weren’t.
I wonder if he’d laugh at me writing that!
I struggle with being told I’m wrong or that something I’ve created isn’t perfect first time. (This is in part due to being one of the ‘clever’ kids at a small private school, encouraged and told she was top of the class). It’s led to many a scream at the screen when an editor wants changes to my work!
I’ve moaned when I’ve had clients change their brief (really quite normal), or been ghosted by a potential recruiter or contact for a new role (normal, not acceptable though).
When I say ‘it’s not them it’s you’, what I’m saying is that sometimes, it’s about you being in the wrong place, trying to work with a client that doesn’t fit with your values, or working for or with someone who makes you feel less than brilliant.
For example, the editors who really got me upset when they demanded far too much beyond the original pitch and brief - was it them? Or was it my ‘fault’ for pitching to them? When I stopped sending them my ideas, I felt so much better.
It’s hard to admit when we’re the ones who need to make a change - not that we’re wrong, or not good enough, but that something’s not sitting right for us and we need to move elsewhere or make a decision about what happens next.
If ‘it’s not them, it’s you’ is true, what can you do about it?
The good news is that when it’s you, there is a LOT of change you can bring about.
When it’s them - their values, their behaviour, their culture - there’s not much you can do to really make a change. I’ve tried to fight back against company values that didn’t fit with mine and the result was burnout.
But if it’s you, there’s plenty you can do. You can walk away, you can make a plan for change… all the control is with you. You can make changes to your world, your day, your lifestyle, that help shift the narrative inch by inch.
YAY!
Here are some things you can try:
Try mentoring or coaching - untangle that feeling of ‘if it’s me, what now?’
Update your CV and get looking for other jobs (write down your job hunting dealbreakers first)
If you’re freelance, draw up a list of client ‘dealbreakers’, too
If you’re a freelance journalist about to pitch to an editor who gives you the ‘it’s them, not me’ vibes, consider pitching elsewhere. I can vouch for this 100%. Take your amazing, brilliant idea elsewhere, to someone new who might not make you feel like cr*p when they edit your work. Worth a try!
Ask yourself what needs to change today. What can you do right now that will help shift things for you?
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