How to deal with professional ghosting

You might well have heard of ghosting when it comes to dating. You're getting on famously, might have even had a date. There's chat, there's a connection in the air. This could be... something.

Then - silence. They disappear. You know they're still alive, thanks to their Instagram, Twitter or Tik Tok, and you can see their 'last seen' time on What's App. They're lurking, in the shadows - like a ghost.

This can happen all too often in our work lives, too.

I used to think professional ghosting was about being ignored, from the off. For example, sending out emails and getting no reply. Or never hearing back after you send a job application. But no, that's not ghosting, that's ignoring!

Ghosting is when you already have correspondence with someone, there’s a relationship of sorts, even on email. There might be a LinkedIn chat thread that goes cold, or the discussion of a meet up that never happens.

It’s not just a desk-based work job thing, either.

When we first moved into our new house three years ago, we found an amazing plumber, on day one! (Thanks, vendor who left the stop cock dripping with just a cloth around it…).

And we worked with him for about two years. Then, around 10 months or so ago he went quiet on us. No returned calls, no ‘sorry I’m busy’. That was it. Working relationship over. Done.

When I was freelance, ghosting was par for the course. I’d apply for things, even once had an hour-long interview with someone for a project - still waiting to hear back (18 months later). I would hear back from editors who were keen, then… nothing. When you’re self-employed it feels like the ‘norm’ (and I hate that).

The problem with professional ghosting is that it affects the balance of everything you do. If you're waiting for someone to come back to you about a fixed-term contract, for example, you might not put yourself forward for other contracts, or book in work with other clients. Waiting on a pitch that's in limbo means the pitch can't go elsewhere. It puts you, and your work, in a waiting room of sorts. You can also worry that pushing back when someone ghosts you - or they get in touch after a period of ghosting - could damage your reputation, your sales or your business plans.

In ‘staff jobs’ it can be anything from waiting for a contact to come back to you with a date for a meeting, through to your boss going quiet on you after you make a request for some new software, support or equipment.

So what can we do?

There are obvious ways, as with dating, that we can react to professional ghosting. We can bother them until they reply, or we can hunt them down, so to speak, on other channels. Not replying to email? Send an insta DM! Not showing up there? Why not tweet them...?

We can spend - no, waste - time moaning and ruminating over why they might not have replied or what's made them go silent. Perhaps there's a difficult situation at work? Perhaps they've been ill.... perhaps, sadly, they're ghosting you. If the 'Oh, they might be super busy' feeling comes to mind, which it often does for me, remind yourself that they a) weren't too busy for that initial call and b) YOU could also be busy elsewhere!

That can all feel quite... pushy. So, what else can we do?

Personally, I know that I have battled the 'feels' of professional ghosting for many years. I am often angry or upset when something's unfair, or feels unfair, and ghosting falls very firmly into that category. It's RUDE. Well, I think so. But it's always going to be a thing, so to try and battle it is futile.

Ask upfront what their intentions are

This feels very 'datey', like asking if someone thinks they're keen on marriage on a first date. But asking questions up front can eliminate the level to which you can be ghosted.

For example, ask when they are planning to make a decision about the contract, or that pay rise or training. Say that you would need to know by a certain date because of other commitments or pending projects. If it’s a freelance gig, ask them who else they are speaking to, and when. Say, in the call, that you will follow up with them on a certain date: "I'll be in touch by EOP Friday for an update, is that OK for you?"Or, even "Will you be able to update me in one week, so I can be clear with other clients and projects?"

If it’s your manager, ask if you can set a date by which you’ll have a decision and if they’re ok with you following up (feels ick, but works).

Be prepared to give up entirely

Yes, that's a key part of this. To say 'They're ghosting me, and I need to walk away'. Even though, like with that cutie you got on so well with, you wonder if they might just call, you need to say you're not available. And that might be by not contacting them. I often follow brands or businesses I connect with for contracts, and if they ghost me, I unfollow! It feels simultaneously petulant and triumphant!

The key here is that you are no longer giving air time, your time, or your business's precious time to the 'maybe' that hangs in the air. You're saying 'I'm off to do something else'.

And finally, try not to be a ghost. I am often guilty of this, and really do try not to. My rule is to reply to those I’ve invited conversations with, but, say I get an unsolicited email, and don’t reply, that’s ok. That’s not ghosting, that’s not replying to what is essentially junk mail.

If you don’t have much time, even just saying ‘not for me this time’ on a reply is better than a blank space.

Is professional ghosting holding you back in your career? What has helped you deal with it? Share in the comments, and do share this on your socials and LinkedIn and tag me!